Home / Talking to a Loved One

What to Say to Someone You Love About Getting Help

You have probably rehearsed this conversation a hundred times in your head. You have probably also had it go badly at least once. This page will not hand you a script that makes someone say yes. It will show you what the research says actually works.

You can ask before they agree

Families call all the time without the person knowing. Ask about cost, schedules, and how it works.

Start here

Most families start with the wrong approach

When people picture helping someone they love, they picture the confrontation. Everyone in the living room. A letter read out loud. A bag already packed by the door.

That approach has a name. It is called the Johnson intervention, and it has been studied against other methods for decades.

64%

Entered treatment using the CRAFT approach

30%

using the confrontational intervention

13%

using support-group facilitation alone

Meyers, Miller, Smith and Tonigan, comparing three approaches for engaging treatment-refusing problem drinkers. A separate six-month evaluation found 74 percent of families using CRAFT engaged a resistant loved one in treatment.

CRAFT stands for Community Reinforcement and Family Training. The difference is not that it is gentler. The difference is what it asks of you. It does not train you to confront. It trains you to change the everyday interactions around the person so that getting help starts to look better than not getting help. It works on the ordinary Tuesday, not the big showdown.

You have more influence than you think, and less control than you want. You cannot decide for them. You can change what the conversation feels like, and that shifts the odds.
The goal of one conversation is not a yes. The goal is to leave the door open so the next conversation can happen.
Your own wellbeing is part of the plan. Not a reward for after. Part of it.

Not sure this is bad enough to call about

It does not have to be a crisis for the call to be worth making. You can ask questions without giving a last name.

Preparation

Before you say anything

Pick the moment, not the mood. Talk when they are sober and not in the middle of a bad day. Not while they are using. Not during a fight. Not at 1am when you are out of patience. Morning is usually better than night.
Write down what you want to say. Three sentences is enough. You will lose your words when it matters, and the paper holds them for you.
Know what you are offering before you open your mouth. "You need help" gives them nothing to say yes to. "I called a place in Wilmington, NC and they can talk to you Thursday" gives them something real. Have a name, a number, and a rough idea of cost.
Line up one person for yourself. Someone you can call afterward whether it goes well or badly. Do not do this alone.
Decide what you will do if they say no. Not as a threat. So that you are not making that decision in the middle of a painful moment.

The conversation

How to start it

Lead with what you have seen, not what you have concluded. Observations are hard to argue with. Labels start a fight. “You are an alcoholic” invites a debate about the word. “You did not come home Thursday and I did not know if you were alive” does not.

Use short sentences. Use the word “I.” Then stop talking and let them respond.

Openings that tend to work

“I love you and I am scared. Can I tell you what I have been noticing?”

“I am not here to fight with you. I want to tell you one thing and then I want to hear from you.”

“Something has changed in the last few months and I miss you. Can we talk about it?”

Naming what you have seen

“You have missed work three times this month. That is not like you.”

“When you did not answer your phone on Sunday I sat in the car outside your apartment for an hour.”

“I found the bottles in the garage. I am not going to pretend I did not.”

Making the offer concrete

“There is an outpatient program opening in Wilmington, NC. You would not have to quit your job or move out. I already asked.”

“I am not asking you to decide anything today. I am asking if you will talk to someone once. I will go with you.”

“If money is what is stopping you, let me find out what it actually costs. Let me take that part off you.”

Have something real to offer before you talk

Find out the schedule and what it costs, so the offer you make is concrete instead of an idea.

Word choice

What to say instead

Almost everything in the first column is something a person says because they love someone. That is what makes it hard. These are not mistakes from people who do not care.

What we say	What they hear	Try this
“You need to get help.”	You are a problem to be fixed.	“I want you to talk to someone once. That is all I am asking.”
“You are throwing your life away.”	You have already failed.	“I have watched you lose things that mattered to you. That is what scares me.”
“Do you know what you are doing to this family?”	Now add guilt to everything else.	“I am having a hard time and I wanted you to know that.”
“If you loved me you would stop.”	Your using is proof you do not love me.	“I know this is not about how much you love us.”
“You promised.”	Here is your failure, again.	“I know you meant it when you said it.”
“This is your last chance.”	The relationship is conditional.	“I am not going anywhere. I also cannot keep doing this the same way.”
“You are an addict.”	Now defend the word.	“I think what is happening with the drinking is bigger than you can handle alone.”

One more. Do not bring it up while they are drunk or high. Nothing said then gets remembered accurately by either of you, and it teaches them that every conversation with you is an ambush.

The likely outcome

When they say no

They probably will, at least the first time. That is the normal outcome, not the failed one. People rarely accept help the first time it is offered, and the offer still counts.

Do not escalate. Raising the stakes in the moment turns a no into a wall. Let it be a no.
Say the door stays open. "Okay. I am not going to keep pushing today. When you want to talk about it, I am here, and so is the phone number."
Leave something behind. A name. A number written down. A website. People revisit privately what they rejected out loud.
Do not disappear. Cutting contact is not a strategy, it is a punishment, and it removes the only influence you have left.
Change what you do, not just what you say. Stop covering the consequences. Do not call their boss with an excuse. Do not pay the ticket. At the same time, be warm and available when they are sober, so that sober time with you is clearly better than the alternative. That contrast is what does the work over weeks.
Ask again later. Good moments include right after something went wrong, right after a health scare, and any time they bring it up themselves. Keep the ask small and concrete.

Keep the number somewhere you can find it at 2am.

Text yourself this page, or save 833-813-HELP now. The moment someone becomes willing is usually not a convenient one.

Families call first, often

Most people who reach out are not the person using. You are not going behind anyone’s back by asking questions.

Holding the line

Boundaries that are not ultimatums

A boundary is something you will do. An ultimatum is something you will make them do. Only one of those is in your control.

“If you use again I will throw you out” is a threat you may not follow through on, and each time you do not, it teaches them that your words do not mean much. “I am not going to lend money anymore” is a boundary. You can keep it.

“You are welcome here. Not if you are using in the house.”

“I will drive you to an appointment. I will not drive you to get more.”

“I will not lie to your employer for you again.”

“I love you. I am not talking about this after 10pm anymore.”

Say them once, calmly, when things are quiet. Then hold them. Holding one small boundary is worth more than announcing five big ones.

Your own footing

Taking care of yourself while this is happening

You are allowed to have a life while someone you love is sick. That is not disloyalty, and it is not giving up on them.

Families living with this often stop sleeping, stop seeing friends, and start checking phones at 2am. That state makes you worse at the exact conversation you are trying to have.

Find one person outside the situation who knows the whole truth.
Al-Anon and Nar-Anon meetings run in and around Wilmington, NC. Some people find them essential. Some do not. Trying one costs you an hour.
Consider talking to a therapist of your own. Not for them. For you.
Keep one thing on your calendar every week that has nothing to do with this.
Sleep. It is not optional, and it changes how you handle everything else.

If your loved one never gets help, you will still need to be okay. If they do get help, they will need you to be okay then too.

If you think they are in danger right now

Call 911 if someone is unresponsive, cannot be woken, is breathing slowly or not at all, or has skin that looks blue or grey. Stay with them until help arrives.

North Carolina has a Good Samaritan law that offers limited protection from some drug charges for people who call for help during an overdose. Do not let fear of trouble stop the call.

If someone is talking about ending their life, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any hour of any day.

Build note: naloxone and harm-reduction guidance belongs here and is held pending Ben Davis review.

The good outcome

If they say yes

Move quickly. Willingness has a short shelf life, and the day after is often too late.

Have the number in your hand when you have the conversation. Renovia Behavioral Health is opening soon in Wilmington, NC, and the team is answering questions now, including questions from families.

You can call or text on their behalf. You can ask what it costs before anyone gives a name. You can ask what the first day looks like so you can tell them honestly.

If they need medical detox before outpatient care, they will be referred to a local provider for that first. Renovia Behavioral Health does not provide detox or inpatient care.

Questions families ask

The things people call and ask

Should I do a formal intervention?

Consider the research first. Studies comparing approaches found the confrontational intervention model engaged roughly 30 percent of people in treatment, while the CRAFT approach engaged 64 percent. If you are working with a professional interventionist you trust, that is a real option. For most families, steady changes in everyday interaction work better than one large event.

What if they get angry and stop speaking to me?